There is a list of cheeky answers to dim witted tourist queries that has been doing its rounds on the Internet over the past couple of years. In case you missed it, here is the Kenya Chapter:
Q: Does it ever get windy in Kenya?I have never seen it rain on TV, so how do the plants grow?(UK)
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die
Q:Will I be able to see elephants in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you’ve been drinking
Q: I want to walk from Nairobi to Nakuru – can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it’s only two thousand kilometres…take lots of water
Q:Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Kenya? (Sweden).
A:So it’s true what they say about Swedes.
Q:Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Kenya? Can you send me a list of them in Nairobi and Mombasa ?(UK)
A: What did you last slave die off?
Q:Can you give me some information about Koala Bear racing in Kenya? (USA)
A: Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the pacific. A-fri-ca is the big triangle-shaped continent south of Europe which does not…oh forget it. Sure, Koala Bear racing is every Tuesday night on Koinange Street… Come naked.
Q: Which direction is north in Kenya? ( USA )
A: Face south and then turn 90 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we’ll send the rest of the directions.
Q: Can I bring cutlery into Kenya? ( UK )
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
Q: Do you have perfume in Kenya? (France)
A: No. We don’t stink.
Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Kenya? (USA)
A: Anywhere where a significant number of Americans gather.
Q: Can you tell me the regions in Kenya where the female population is smaller than the male population?(Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.
Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Kenya? (France)
A: Only at Christmas.
Q: Are there killer bees in Kenya? (Germany)
A: Not yet, but for you, we’ll import them.
Q: Are there supermarkets in Nairobi and is milk available all year round?
A: No, we are a peaceful civilisation of vegan hunter-gatherers. Milk is illegal.
Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Kenya who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A:Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca, which is where YOU come from. All Kenyan snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.
Q: I was in Kenya in 1969 and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Mombasa . Can you help? (USA)
A: Yes, but you will probably still have to pay her by the hour.
Q: Will I be able to speek English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you’ll have to learn it first.
Yup, we have come to accept tourists/foreigners for the gormless nitwits that they are. We might even find their questions about our country cute- well maybe not cute but rather ‘innocently naïve’- is there such a phrase?
Of course there isn’t.
But since I try to avoid using reckless words on my blog, I will leave it at that…
…And dwell instead on giving an example of what exactly I mean by ‘innocently naïve’, with a real life example:
Q: I’m planning to go on a mission trip to Kenya. I believe that God heals and I’m not consumed about the chance of contracting Ebola. I’m also a person who’s willing to take practical precautions. However, some friends and family think that my decision to travel is foolish saying that I’m testing God and asking if I have a death wish. What do you think…I want to follow God’s call in my life most of all. Do you think there are undue risks that we do not know about and the dangers are higher than perceived here in America?
For most Americans, the missionary’s question is valid- in fact as a Kenyan, what shocked me most was the fact that this chap actually referred to an African country by name.
But alas, Ebola is an African disease. So Uganda, Kenya, Malawi, Ethiopia Senegal, Chad, Nigeria, Botswana…whichever part of the mass of hopelessness known as Africa that you decide to visit, you do so at your own peril.
The missionary continues to shock. He wasn’t too worried about the details of catching or not catching Ebola in Kenya (his God, after all, heals). It was his annoying friends and family (probably non-believing buggers) who were the problem- giving him grief about this and that, scaring him with big phrases like “testing God” and “death wish”. It’s enough to drive anyone insane. So as any reasonable man of God would do in such a situation, the missionary was seeking guidance from an authority- and in the good ol’ US of A, that’s not too hard find- an authority that is .
And so the answer came…
A: “No Ebola. Not in Kenya . You might get AIDS in Kenya, the people have AIDS, you got to be careful, the towels can have AIDS.”
This authority then goes on to warn viewers in general not to drink water, milk, or eat fresh vegetables while traveling overseas- to avoid diseases.
It would be so sad if it wasn’t so funny.
And CNN’s Anderson Cooper’s take in this video takes the cake:
Now I know what I said about using reckless words on my blog, but for you Pat Robertson, I will make an exception:
A stupid person is the most dangerous type of person there is.