A better me

I quit smoking…I think…

Because I have tried it before. Twice. And failed. They say third time lucky so this might just be it. Or not. We’ll see. Thing is, I don’t want to pressure myself into quitting. It’s what I did the last two times.

I have been smoking for 15 years now. 15 years! If I had picked up another (less detrimental) habit 15 years ago, today I would be a pro. Or at least making money (from it). Writing for instance. Let’s say I wrote just once a day for the last 15 years, heck make that just once a week, or even once a month…But, alas, I didn’t write. Instead, I smoked. Like 5 cigarettes per day, a pack if I was having drinks and even more if I was ‘stressed out’ AND having drinks.

I haven’t smoked for the past 7 days. I know it’s nothing to write home about but hey, please check my disclaimer in the title.

The last time I quit was 2 years ago, just before the New Year. A resolution. Mine was to lead a healthier life. My doctor brother, who has never smoked a day in his life had been bugging me to stop. For years. That new year’s eve would be my day to quit. So, he took my last drag with me. Sacrificed his pristine doctor lungs on condition that i quit. That was huge. I should have quit then. And i did.  For all of 5 days.

The time before that, I quit because I was pregnant, that stint lasted a full year. Why I went back, i will never understand. But go back I did.

Both times, quitting was due to pressure. This time, I am taking the pressure out of the equation. I might ‘fall of the wagon’. Or i might not. I hope i don’t. But i might.

You see I really enjoy smoking. I enjoy the ritual of it. I feel like if I quit then I will lose an essential part of who I am. At the same time, I really hate smoking. I hate the state I get into just before I ‘need to have a cigarette’, I hate how it messes up my concentration and makes me obsessive. I hate my permanent smoker’s cough and how I smell after a cigarette. I hate that my daughter knows that I smoke.

They say it takes 21 days to break a habit. I have 14 more left. But no pressure.


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